Oh how things change

Change –verb (used with object)
1. to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to change one’s name; to change one’s opinion; to change the course of history.
2. to transform or convert (usually followed by into ): The witch changed the prince into a toad.
3. to substitute another or others for; exchange for something else, usually of the same kind: She changed her shoes when she got home from the office.

Things rarely stay the same. This time last year I had found the love of my life on facebook. Facebook can be an excellent tool or an evil one. In this case if you ask anyone about how it is that you find yourself emotionally cheating on your husband with someone who is 2000 miles away well I would say “I found him on facebook.”

Yes, I emotionally cheated on my husband. And I know that it was wrong. I could certainly provide you the lovely reader with hundreds of great reasons why, or how, or even some really great justifications. But I won’t. I will just tell you the truth.  I was lonely, and I felt unloved, and I was selfish.  Since I am inherently an unselfish person my brain pndered out the thought that maybe just once I could do something selfish for me.

Well the summer last year was amazing. I felt loved, and wanted. I was even going to go see Dick (that is what we will call him for the blog) under the guise of seeing my brother get married. He was getting married, I was just gonna see Dick too. Well guess what? I got caught. You know why? The reason is that I was ratted out my the tmobile guy.  Also the reason is that no one should cheat emotional or physically for that matter because everyone gets caught.

I don’t lie.  I am not good at it so omission is really my only option because my body language and facial expressions give me away so i don’t even bother to lie.  So when approached by my husband as to who I was talking to, I told him the truth. It was hard, at that point I still loved my husband. Not in love. Just the regular kind. The next day he asked me to stop seeing Dick, cut off all communications, not go on my trip and to work this all out. Because that wasn’t real. The love with me and Dick was just imaginary and that I needed to live in reality. Well this all sucked. Getting caught sucked, getting served with instructions from mr. disgruntled sucked. So far the day wasn’t looking up for me.

I talked to Dick, told him everything and we both agreed that we would end it. With much tears and trepidation I ended the only thing that had resulted in any happiness for me in years. So now with a great heaviness I try to save my marriage.  This would have went well and I thing that i could have moved forward into a try to get things back faze were it not for the significant torture that I received after ending things with Dick. It all went extra fast down hill. Since I was now a dirty cheater, I was placed daily in the land of cheating whores and guilt. To make things worse no matter how hard I tried it wasn’t gonna be good enough. So what happened you say? Well i quit trying. I ended up talking to Dick again, ty Smirnoff and Captain Morgans.  I wish that I could say that any of this has a happy ending. But it doesn’t.

I type this all to you from my tiny and very single, 2 bedroom apartment. The way things ended between me and the husband to be forever burned into my mind. And as for Dick.  Well he met a girl from school when he was a teen and now they are engaged.  Just engaged this past weekend.  What in the world was this whole depressing post about?  Well it is the catalyst that led to me leaving my husband so it is a tiny piece of the puzzle that I knew you needed.

Also, it is for me. I felt my heart break a little at the news of his new engagement. I felt a little piece of my virtual world fall apart. My brain knew that he would get engaged, and I pray that he is happy. Marriage is a big commitment and I hope that he makes it very seriously. Knowing in your mind that something is going to happen is different that accepting it into your heart. I am melancholy as I type this, the unknown of whether or not the future could have held something there remains as it always will. And I will always remain his friend. Alas, isn’t it the way of it that nice guys always finish last. But they should tell you that the same goes for the girls too. I am sure there are plenty of people who read this and think, wow, how can she be so callous about leaving her husband. Well you aren’t in my shoes and there are not enough details on here for you to make an accurate judgment. Sometimes you just need to hit your breaking point, or make a mistake that will show you how those around you, who love you are going to respond and how they will support you.  They will either love you and respect you for your honesty and you effort, or they will scorn you and attempt to provide you with their own version of justice.  I hope that if you ever make a mistake , like I did, and you go to fix it that your spouse loves you and respects you and doesn’t try to make you pay for your mistakes. It is hard enough to admit you are wrong, having it thrown in your face daily will hurt your chances of ever making peace with yourself let alone with your spouse.

We are human, we make mistakes, and luckily we can learn from them. But we must reap what we sow, and how people treat you after you make mistakes is their choice and you can’t change that. Just do your best to love the people who love you, pray for those who hate you, and try to make a difference no matter what you have done.

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