Numbered days

Numbered days

We all know that when we are born into this world that are days are numbered. That being said it is also known that situations arise in this life that also have numbered days. Relationships are one of those things for certain.

I am in a complicated relationship. If I was still on Facebook that would be my relationship status. “it’s complicated”. It elicits a sigh from my lips every time I think about it. The complications cause my already bothersome anxiety to fly through the roof sending me into random bouts of panic mode. Fight or flight mode enabled, high alert. Set the engines to warp speed captain, let’s get out of here and away from the stresses causing me to freak out at high velocity and end the feeling that my insides are actually a swirling vortex of entropy and I am sitting in a chair in the middle watching the swirling winds and flying debris attack me from all sides.

That sounds very mellow dramatic I am sure but it is the best way that I can describe the feelings that are raging inside me. A volcano of emotions and worries, fears and premonitions that leave me fighting my intuitions and my instincts in an effort to truly find a way to get around these feelings and function on a regular level so that I can actually accomplish things that need done. The regular every day life stuff that seems really easy but leaves me feeling overwhelmed and alone. Alway stuck doing things on my own. Always feeling like there are so many people around me yet I still have to do it by myself. It is the strangest thing to be surrounded by people who help you yet still feel alone and worried about how you are going to make it to the next day.

My dramatic panic attack for today started last Friday, the boyfriend had his kids and I am again still a secret. Though today I consider that a good thing,but that is a different digression for later. He told me he needed to go cause the kids were staring at him funny that he was still in the car on his phone and the conversation he and I were having was important in nature though I cant remember the specifics of it, I was left with an ill feeling all weekend and as he and I had our communications more than cut in half I find myself struggling inward with the fact that we are still lying. Lying to ourselves that we are doing the right thing by being together. Lying to others about being together. It has always bothered me that I was never truly brought into the light when we broke up last. Its been a little over a month since we got back together and I have been uneasy the whole time. Wondering if my selfishness and loneliness prompted me to re-enter a situation and a relationship that has always seemed doomed. How many times does a couple need to break up before they realize that things may not be destined to be? No matter how hard we try to do things right I keep feeling like God is telling me that this part of my life is done. Why do I yet keep dwelling on how to make it work and get God’s blessing when he seems to keep giving me the same answer?

Is my head to hard? The bible says that our hearts lie to us, that we cannot believe it. I have spent so much time praying this week for relief of this feeling that things were over before they ever started and that I should have known better to start up with it again, I try to talk to Carlos about it and I send him off in a frenzy of worry and grief that I wonder if truly we have become far too dependent on each other and that the dependence is just proof that we aren’t in the best place with each other.

Carlos tells me that my fear is the evil one. That I just need to let it all go and that God will handle it and take care to keep us safe. If God is for us who can stand against us? I wonder about this phrase though. Because what if God is for him and me but not “us”?

I have fear yes, that is true, and no doubt that the fear part is the evil one. But there is common sense, a feeling of dread that we will hurt each other more by continuing down this road when already so many times we have been told no. My fear is placed in his x. The wicked witch. My trepidation is placed in the fact that so many times my intuition has told me to back off, this isn’t the time or the place or maybe even the man for you. Take some time out, be alone. Grow with God and see what he wants of you. You need to grow as you before you can grow as an us with anyone. I haven’t spent much time alone since I left my now x husband. My divorce was final in December and out of the year and a month I have been gone maybe a month or two (if you add all of that time together) I have not been with someone. So maybe this is my fault. I have needed to be a big girl for a long time and maybe since I have yet to be alone, and since it is so hard for me to imagine myself that way as i want so much to belong to someone that maybe I place myself in the situation to hope that I will feel less like I am alone and more like I am part of something special.

Growing is hard. We can either grow or whither and die. I want to grow, I just didn’t know that growing was so hard or that it required so many painful moments. How hard it is to think and feel like you could have a solid future with someone and then realize that maybe you are dreaming and that really your future is the same as it was before?Uncertain, filled with the unknown. Maybe the unknown is good. Knowing just would make us wait for the proverbial axe to drop all the time. Waiting for the uh oh moment. Maybe we need moments of clarity to show us that things are not always going to be the way that we want them.

I don’t know.

I know nothing is for sure in this life. Things change, days go by and all we can do is hope that we make the best of the day that we are given. Each one is a gift. Something to be grateful for no matter what that day brings. Our very breath is a gift of tremendous value and I think that we take it for granted.

I just lost a ton of text I wrote so I will just say this. I know how hard this life is, I know how hard it is to do it alone since I have done it alone for so long yet still haven’t managed to truly do it alone just yet. So what does the future hold for the crazy lady? I don’t know. I’m just praying my way through, hoping God will guide me and show me the way, light my path so that I can walk in his light instead of stumble around in the dark. In case you didn’t know I am deathly afraid of the dark. So I don’t want to do that anymore.

Since last Friday my ability to think of a future with Carlos has been halted, I can’t seem to think about it all. And trying brings more anxiety to my heart. How many times does a couple have to break up before they figure out they shouldn’t have been together in the first place? I wonder sometimes if that should have been a hint with my marriage. It ended in failure and he and I broke up loads and I wonder if those were signs I ignored because I wanted to do what I wanted.

Today has no answers for me. I shall decide to just be patient and wait. Certainly God will show me his will and tell me what to do. I am asking for his guidance and why would he deny me when I so badly want to do what is right?

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