If you read the post before this one, (not the he loves me blah blah blah one) you would have read that I was struggling inwardly with whether or not a continued relationship with Carlos was possible. The fact that the relationship alone could cause such mixed emotions was something that I knew was a warning sign but one I chose to ignore far longer than I probably should have.
Last night Carlos and I talked, till 3am. Boy was I tired this morning when it was time to get the kids ready for school. That was after I got home at midnight mind you. when he had texted me at work earlier that day that we needed to talk because he was having too much trouble dealing with everything being in limbo I knew that if we did have the chance to talk that we would end up deciding that it was just not possible for us to be together anymore.
It was a good talk, and I said my peace. Included how I felt like even though we all know that the evil W is in fact terrible and by our human standards I am sure she probably deserves to watch her X husband be with her X best friend. But alas, since I find myself trying not to live by those standards I find myself saying that I can’t stay apart of something that is in fact not just going to hurt her (even though she sucks) and hurt my X husband (who also sucks) but hurt his kids too since she will more than use them when she can to be nasty. I again find myself in the position to have to be noble. Honorable, good, decent, honest, ect, ect,….
I let him vent his frustrations about her, life, the way things have gone for him. I wish that I had words to describe how I just wish I could say something that would help him have hope. I have known this was coming for weeks. Been uneasy, distant. I knew why, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I don’t like admitting when I am wrong. No one does. But I was wrong to go back, he and I were wrong to think we could get God’s blessing on us when we were hurting other people just by being together.
I know that this life has its up and downs. I know that is part of how we grow. I feel like I have grown and learned things about myself this week that I wouldn’t have otherwise learned had I not traveled this path. As life continues on, and the sunrise I saw this morning proves that the day will come no matter what, life moves forward whether we want it to or not. We just have to hold onto the hope that there is something far better than we could have ever imagined waiting for us. We just have to find a way to hold on, to have patience and wait for it to get here. That is the hard part.
I could have spent this post complaining, wishing for things to be different but I won’t do that to myself and certainly not to Carlos. It is done, and we are grown enough to know that time does in fact heal all wounds.
All my love,