So yay, my tax refund finally came in. And it is all gone. It is amazing how something that was so much can be gone so fast. But I paid off some things and I feel good about it. I even got my kiddoes some legos. They are so happy. They have been so good through all of the cps crap that I thought that they more than deserved it. I want them to be secure so I work hard to make sure things stay clean, things are orderly and laundry is done. It consumes every thought now. When I get home its more laundry and dishes followed by some light reading and with any luck an actual good night sleep. I slept last night, just not as well as I would have liked to. I am convinced that sleep is for other people. Good sleep is really for other people.

My brain as of late is warey of shutting off. So since it doesn’t want to shut off I lie awake. Thinking. Thinking of what the future looks like. Objectivly. I am not worried about it as I might have before. I look at it as a new adventure. Every day a facinating new way to see life, and love and this world. I try to look at it in a positive light when i look at it. There is so much to look at that isn’t good that I want to look past those things. Look into the deeper part of the world. The more primal earthy part.

Today’s song is by Sade. Its called Every Word. Not sure why it is sticking to me. I think that the music rather than the lyrics speak to me in this particular song. Kinda the way the music in Dave’s Dodo song speak to me. It’s not so much the lyrics as it is the actual music.

I have been lazy the last few days and I havent posted to my romantic blog. I need to, I am ready to respond just haven’t have time. I have wanted to write here as well but found myself unable to yesterday. When I got to work ready to write I was yanked on the floor because one of our random yearly inspections was going to take place just as I got there. So I was beat when I got home and I accomplished nothing. I just came home and got ready for bed. The kids stayed up to see me, greeting me with thanks and love for the legos, telling me they missed me all day. I was so glad to see them. It is harder than ever to be away from them with the cps drama and I hate that. I was finally getting to a place where I felt good spending some time alone. I plan to find time to be alone tomorrow. The kids will be with their dad, so no reason for me not to find a way to be alone. We shall see though. It never works out the way that I plan it. As I sit here at work, alone, happy for a moment of peace, lying about what time I get off work for a few moments to spend on this I smile. It was a good day. I got a lot done and I am happy with how life is looking. Mostly peaceful right now (minus the cps junk anyway) It has been quiet and my brain feels like slowly the fog is lifting. Lord help my creativity when the veil is gone comepletly.

My starbucks art I have been working on for about 4 months is almost ready to be done. This is one project I will be happy to have finished. I may even bring it to work (when the big boss isnt here of course) so I can show the coworkers that have helped me so much. It has taken a lot of time to get this ready, and I have gone through a plethra of ideas on what to put it on. I feel good though. I have settled on the materials, have a frame being built and it is going to be amazing. I am so excited. I am sure once it is finidhed I will have more space in my brain, so I can fill it with some other art thing I want to make, like my scrabble project. Sigh, it never ends.

My ramblings are not very exciting today. I apologize, it is sleep deprivation I am sure. I am realizing some things about me in all this. I need to lean on me and God. I used to be good at. It is dangerous to lean on anyone else. I know at some point I will have to confront this part of me, but for now I need to not lean on anyone (besides my family of course) It is hard for me. Being alone just shows me how hard it is. But I have been alone for so long I just have to remember how good I am at it. Its not a bad thing to be alone. It really isn’t and there are a lot of things that I can learn by being alone. It is just tiresome sometimes. Knowing how long I have been this way doesn’t help me. I am sure there is a lesson that God is trying to teach me in it and I am being hard headed. We shall see I suppose.

So I shall end this post with something funny a coworker said today. Give a woman a rooster and she will be happy.

Lady X

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