Oh were it not for the unending melancholy that fills me this week I may actually be able to think and sleep. Instead I am wrought with insomnia, despite my sleepiness and I am quiet yet filled by turmoil. This turmoil has no name, I pray that god would tell me why I should feel this way and he says, be still.
This answer is not what I am looking for. So I sit, and I am still, and I listen. And I hear nothing. I am filled with quiet. And in this quiet my poetic heart longs to write words of darkness and light. To fill the pages with my rantings and my Misgivings, my wants, my needs.
Oh that my heart be filled with light and joy!
My soul stirs of misgivings. Perhaps because of my stressful party tomorrow, perhaps because of strange questions from the ex husband. I have no answers this night. My swirling vortex of entropy finds itself in high gear and I am powerless to lay siege to my own sanity.
I dived into a book to find solace in someone else’s words. To escape this world filled with so much hate and anger and turmoil. Yet once I finished the book, here I am new book ready to be started and still filled with the anxieties I sought to escape. Perhaps lately I think too much. The future something yet knocking on my door is still so far away. It is unknown, too dark and perilous to be thought of. Too mysterious and foreboding for me to spend my time thinking. The possibility lies that my age, my kids, my family, and most significantly, my mom, makes me wonder if I will ever find myself capable of being what someone else needs. Maybe the punishiment for my failed marriage, my penance if you will, is to spend this life watching others make good use of their relationships as a spectator.
Now, in all of this I cradle a dimly lit hope. Hope for a future. Hope for a love. Hope for a mate that I can spoil, love, cherish, for the lifetime that I have left.
I keep this flame guarded from the wind of doubt, I need it to survive the day. Each day, each trial, each situation a reminder of the things that I left behind, the reasons why, and the consequences for my actions. I am a single mom, I chose this life. I chose it so my daughters wouldn’t see the kind of battered wife I was. I didn’t want them to think it was ok for a man to treat his wife that way. I want them to grow up and find a man who will love and respect them for who they are, not a man who wants them to be only what he can fit inside the box of his own personal desires and nothing of the person they were remains.
I felt lost for so long. Life was a series of motions and I went through them daily. I am grateful for my solitude in the fact that I am me, there is no one here to ask me to be anything other than who I am. Crazy, messy, tattooed, loving, sexy, passionate, beautiful, amazing and yes, a little emotional. I have to learn to deal with that,and while yes this week I have been a bit much, every time I come here and post I realize that my title remains standing, and while sometimes the Lonliness is hard to bear and I come here to find solace in the words that I type, I still wouldn’t want to be anybody else.
Be who you are, regardless of what others say. There is someone out there that will love you for who you are. I will rejoice and be glad the day that someone who was meant to love me for me finds me and makes me theirs, and if that day doesn’t come, I will find refuge in Gods will and hope that in that he brings me peace.
All my love,