Since my last post had some of my emotional turmoil in it about the lonely realization of no one to lean on I shall extend this into a post about the actual party I shot last night.
See I have a great time as an event photographer. It is one of my favorite things. I love the parties. But there is one part of the night that I hate. It is the dancing part. See, this is a love hate relationship I have this part of the night. As long as the music is jumping and the couples are dancing I am good to go. I have no problem taking pictures of all the people getting all crazy and dancing because they drank way too much. My problem happens when the music slows down, and the lights get low, and the couples start dancing together.
I love a good slow dance. I have had very few in this life. I love that closeness and the feeling of the music. You all know how I feel about music. It just isn’t something I have ever gotten to do very much of. Slow dancing in the rain, my perfect slow dancing dream.
So the couples come out, the music plays just for them and I am now a spectator of some close intimacy. See peoples expressions change, their body language changes, and it becomes just the two of them. I can see 15 or 20 couples paired on the floor, people I have photographed at many parties, and I see their love and dedication, I see it all in that dance.
What a cruel torture for me.
I am not gonna lie, I looked damn good last night, even despite the fact that half the night I had to wear a staff shirt over my sexy backless top. My bare skin just led me to another reminder of how I wasn’t dancing, no one was holding me close, enjoying my skin. Sigh.
It is funny how my intention just to look good, (and yes yummy too) backfires, and instead becomes a reminder of what I am not getting. Good job goofus, proud of yourself? You look nice and it is a reminder of how you look nice for no one.
See how my brain works? And see these particular parties aren’t for singles because this was families raising money for their school district. (they raised over 100K btw) So it isn’t as if I thought I would meet my Knight there. Nope, I actually just wanted to look nice for me. It is thrown back in my face with those dancing couples as a harsh and cruel reminder of how until it changes, I am alone. I sit in my apartment alone right now. (besides the large gaggle of children anyway) My lot in life as the single mom.
But I regret nothing even now. I wouldn’t change the way things have proceeded. I wouldn’t learn a damn thing that way.
So while I feel terribly selfish that my mom has been through surgery and here I am bitching and moaning about myself and being alone, I know this, I am only alone till God says otherwise. So I just have to wait for his good time.
Patience and be still.