Perhaps I didn’t realize that damage that I had sustained during my previous marriage. I didn’t realize that it had affected me so.
In February I began battling my anxiety again. My head was filled with false thoughts, and old wounds were opened up and I was left feeling afraid. Scared of what each day might bring. I had nightmares that Joseph was going to find a reason to leave me. As if some broken part of me he hadn’t known came out and he just couldn’t stay. I dreamed he and the girls died. I was left alone, crying. Sobbing and lost. Wondering what to do, where would I go?
I realized so much when I finally beat this round. I realized that I am stronger than I think. I also learned that I can break down and lean on my husband and he is more than willing and strong enough to hold me up and let me break down.
I would battle insane scenarios in my mind. When Joseph went to his friends’ bachelor party, I had in my mind that he would be told what a bad idea I was, and that he would then figure it out. (I know there is nothing to figure out, I am just posing this from where my mind was) When he went to the rehearsal dinner I had it in my mind that someone from his past would come and take him away.
Here is something I know. It is factual. Period. Joseph loves me. His commitment is rock solid or he would never have made it. He loves my girls. His commitment to them is just as solid. He is a man of integrity and honor. He is tough and strong and sensitive to my crazy and understanding of my needs.
When this all happened I found myself leaning against a rock I had never had before. Not only did I have God, but also I now had the helper that he intended. The partnership that marriage was intended to create between two people, Joined as one.
Since I am still not used to this, it came as a shock when I hit anxiety bottom, and he was there to catch me before I hit the bottom.
In Isaiah, God talks about the refiners fire, “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”
I am afflicted by the wounds that I suffered. I can let these things that happened control me. Or I can use them like a furnace. They can refine me. I can learn from them. I can grow from them. I can be renewed each time I am to be placed in the fire for refinement.
So much can happen to us in this life. Each moment can be defining. Whether we choose to use it positively or negatively depends on us. Our situation and how we handle it will not always be handled with grace. I find a lot of times I probably react wrong. I can learn though. That is what makes us great. We can take each moment, each failed attempt and try to learn and make it right.
I learned a few things from all of this mess the last few months.
First is that I am still wounded. I still need to remember that I have to address the things that damaged me so that I can work towards a total healing. I know that God will grant me this healing in time. I have to take the time to recognize each place that is wounded. Perhaps there are areas even I don’t know are problems. I certainly never thought that I would feel worried that Joseph would leave. He has always been understanding and wonderful. Faithful and committed. I expect nothing less from him. My subconscious on the other hand likes to tell me sometimes that I don’t deserve him. I totally do and my subconscious can blow chunks.
I also learned that it is okay to be vulnerable. There are very few times in my life that I have actually cried over things that mattered. I think that holding that in for so long takes its toll. No one needs to be strong all of the time. Sometimes it is good to let down the wall and let someone else be strong. I also know it is good to let my husband be my strength.
It is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper.
He is my helper. We love each other and need each other. I am grateful and I feel favored by God to have been given such an amazing man, a helpmeet, my husband, a wonderful stepfather to my girls, and a friend that I can depend on and trust to always have my back.
So let someone be your strength, let someone take your hand and help you stand straight and tall sometimes. If not because you need it, but because sometimes you are helping someone else, by letting them be needed.
All my love always,