When my now husband crashed into my world I was just out of a break up. I was dating a guy with no time for me. Boomer jacks Brandon. My friend Sam and I went to a bar near our work, after work, with Joseph and had a drink.

We talked, we laughed. And before the night was over Joseph said, “I would totally jump your bones.”

Not the greatest pick up line. But it certainly wasn’t far off from what I was thinking.

Now I know a lot of my friends will make a face at my sex before marriage relationship. But I want to explain something about it that made all the difference for us ,I think.

Joseph and I started out as FWB (friends with benefits). Yes, very taboo in the Christian community. Let me explain to you the place that I was coming from when I willingly entered into this kind of relationship.

I had been on my own for a little more than a year. I had just a month prior finished with a rocky, unstable relationship that came with the girlfriend title, that came with untold amounts of drama from Jesus loving Christians. The relationship started out with lies and they drug our relationship down no matter the good intentions we had. With the forces against us there was no survivability. I broke it off. My anxiety couldn’t stand the waiting for the next stone to be thrown.

I dated very briefly Brandon. He was a nice guy. Very sweet, super sexy, and with a heart of gold. He also had no time or attention span for someone as high maintenance as me.

Now when I started hanging out with Joseph more I realized how much I liked him. How much he was like me. It was lovely. One night we were watching TV and sipping adult beverages he used my favorite pick up line ever. “Friends totally snuggle.”

I bought that. And it was great to snuggle without the assumptions, the judgements, the attachments that came with being someone’s girlfriend. Our relationship progressed and yes, we had sex before we were married. For about three months of our beginnings we just had titleless sex. It was very freeing to be a part of something that didn’t have expectations. I was free to be me in a way I had never been before. I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t, or be understanding when I didn’t want to be. I didn’t have to pander or argue or lose special time that was supposed to be mine because new plans were made. I was free. It was a freedom I had never known. Cast aside your disapproving glances. This freedom was the last piece of the puzzle to find me.

Months Before he said I love you, he had told me that I came with a lot of baggage. He’s not wrong. I have a crazy ex husband and three beautiful girls that I work to keep from being treated the way I was by my ex husband. So one day, laying in bed, he rolled over and looked me in the eyes and said he was getting attached. Now I won’t lie. I was now firmly attached to the man that let me be me. My response? I told him if he needed to go, the. He could go. I wouldn’t harass him.

I gave him freedom in return for the freedom that he had given me.

You know what?

He stayed.

We went camping and he told me he loved me. One night at around 7 months of our being together, titles and all now, we stayed up into the wee hours of the morning, he had school and I had work. Neither of us wanted to go to bed because it meant that he had to go and I had to go to bed without him. We were sunk. It was all or nothing now. He never went home again. His home had changed. It was where I was. And I with him.

We celebrated a year together in New York, and we got engaged that coming October. He fell in love with me and my girls. He took us. All or nothing. He claimed us as his own with no reservations. He has loved my girls like his own. I can honestly say I never thought I would ever see it. Now I see it every day.

Why did I write all of this today?

Well this Saturday is Valentine’s Day. This is the first time I have kept a secret from my husband. I had secret pictures take Of me, just for him.

He loves me, the whole crazy, emotional, needy, high maintenance mess that I am. He loves me just like this. He holds me when I am at my worst and still calls me beautiful like its my name.

I’m not saying that everyone should run out and have sex without commitment the way that I did. After suffering years of emotionally crippling emotional abuse, drug induced rape, and watching him hurt me and my girls using the word of God as a tool to hurt, I needed to be free. It helped me see me for who I am.

And for me, that is just what I needed.

So for Valentine’s Day I took beautiful pictures for my Joseph. I think that he will love them.


One thought on “Changed

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  1. An amazing and beautiful story. It’s sad but true that many will cast a scornful glance at your blatant, and refreshing, honesty. Those that do will likely never relate to the place you were at during that time in your life. They will also be missing the deep truth that our spirits are free and they always have been. Being born wild and free, whenever we find ourselves in a relationship or situation that smothers that freedom, or attempts to restrain it, we began to endure a suffering worse than death. You walked away from that smothering and headlong into freedom. The very thing your spirit knew it needed….and perhaps Joseph needed it too. 🙂


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