I was not prepared for the emotional and physical pain of trying to have another child. My first three daughters were all unplanned. They are the product of six pregnancies. All happy accidents. No effort was put forth in getting pregnant, ever. Now that I am 34 and actually trying, I have never realized the magic dance of biology that God created for giving life. The fact that our species goes on is a mystery to me. It could truly only prove in my mind that each child is a gift, chosen for a purpose. No matter how long that child resides on this earth. How could it be otherwise?
So while I wait for his timing and selection of a child for our family I find myself stressed. Watching pink lines on ovulation tests, dealing with an abundance of hormones. All the while waiting for Joseph to throw his hands in the air at my fickle crying and emotional outbursts and him to say he is done. That is my past marriage working in my brain. Joseph has always shown me patience. In our time together we have had one spat. Never had two people been so eager to be over a fight. It strengthened us. He is so patient with me that sometimes I feel like I deserve his impatience more. Yet he shows me love and kindness and pours his strength into me.
This week is no different. I am a hot mess. Last week was our first month on clomid. It may be our last. I am not sure I can go through the pain it caused my poor organs. I have always wanted four kids. I feel like it is just within reach, but this painful 2 weeks (had to stop the medication I use for my endometriosis because it can interfere with conception) So I am just awash in pain. I think worse is the burden that my brain continues to tell me that I am failing. Joseph is a strapping young man. We checked. So the problem lies with me. I always knew it did. So as I lay in bed this morning, after a rough morning of work, looking at the positive ovulation stick, smiling its little digital face at me. I was considering the pain, the rough morning, how tired I was. I had finally reached that point where I almost didn’t even want to have sex.
Let me just say that really means something. I love my husband and we have a richer than average healthy sex life. Too much info I know. But I need to say that, to explain that even my Obgyn said that we needed to just do it once a day if we really wanted to have a baby.
So for me not to want to, tell me that we have hit a stressful stop for me. I see my doctor on the 30th. Blood work and all. If we are unsuccessful this month. Despite the happy face on the digital stick that smiled at me this morning, then I have to consider if my pain, if the emotional drama is worth it to me. Worth it to my family who loses time with me when I just can’t manage it.
Joseph and I have always had a time limit on our baby trying. Have we perhaps reached the limit before we wanted to? I am not sure. I am too emotionally drained, too raw, too tired. I even look tired. Pain will do that to you.
My selfish heart has to spend time in prayer. In quiet. In thought. At this moment, I have rested, and I actually got my pain meds and at this moment I am calm, less sore, less emotionally overloaded. But it doesn’t last. Everything in this is so temporary.
Such is life. We are only here temporarily.
So I leave you with this:
In this life, we have selfish things we want. We don’t need them. I don’t need another child. I have been favored to have 3. There are many couples that will never get there dream. My heart breaks for them and I pray for them every chance I get. So when we reach our breaking point we have to figure out if we are supposed to break through, push forward and continue. Or if we are supposed to let go and turn left and leave that behind.
I don’t know the answer to this yet. Whether I will push through or turn away.
I only know this. And it comforts me marvelous much. God’s will be done for us in this. And in all things. Let his peace flow into our choices and that he would give us calm and rest.
For all the families trying to have a child of their own. May you have peace and comfort. May your sadness and your emptiness be filled with joy and love from your wife or husband. May God’s ultimate peace be with you.
As for me and my husband. What does the baby making future hold? We shall see. It is too early for me to make choices. I will wait and be led by God. He will most certainly know far better than me what I should do.
All my love always,