1. a narrative, either true or fictitious, in prose or verse, designed to interest, amuse, or instruct the hearer or reader; tale.
2. a fictitious tale, shorter and less elaborate than a novel.
3. such narratives or tales as a branch of literature: song and story.
1. the class of literature comprising works of imaginative narration, especially in prose form.
2. works of this class, as novels or short stories: detective fiction.
3. something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story: We’ve all heard the fiction of her being in delicate health.
BEWARE: Some explicit content is contained herein. So if you don’t want to read something that has brief parts that are equal to that of a dirty romance novel then read no further. Go do something else with your time. If you don’t mind pursuing the mind of me last summer then by all means, get a coke or a coffee because this is quite long winded and you will need lots of time to finish it.
Below is what I entitled: Us. I wrote it last summer in the midst of so much emotional turmoil. I actually haven’t read this myself in months. I will re-read it one I have posted it here. I feel that sharing here is so therapeutic to me so I want to have the last bit of my hidden summer history out for fresh eyes and minds to consider me crazy and I consider myself to be. I wrote this for Dick. He has seen all these words. Acceptance of how life is has made me realize that writing helps me cope. This helped me cope with the loss of what wasn’t meant to be anything more than the words to a imaginary story that is below for your viewing.
With all of my love always,
I just want to say that I wrote this so I would have a record of these 2 months. I also wanted you to have it. I wanted you to know that after some time has passed, and we start thinking that maybe we imagined everything. That it wasn’t true, or real we can look back at this account and read it and know. I hope that you will remember that no matter what, I will always love you. You will always be in my heart. Since our paths in real life never crossed during this time we shared, I can’t say that I will miss your kiss, or how you smell, or how we fit together. I can’t say I will miss how you taste, or the things we did together. I can say I will miss the sound of your voice, and how it made me feel happy, how when you were sleepy your sounded husky and the deep sound of your voice would set me on fire! I hope that when you read this it makes you feel happy that we shared this much. I know that when I read it I will feel happy that I was able to love you even for a short while and even though it was far away. I will feel sad for what I have lost, and I will still hope for a day that you and I will be able to see one another and have our 5 minutes. I feel selfish though in hoping that our 5 minutes will last forever.
I look to the sky and I see the stars
it doesn’t help that I am not where you are
Your voice it echoes in my mind
our time was just too short in time
My heart hopes that GOD will make a way
for us to be something more someday
I hope by then it’s not too late
But I don’t want you to have to wait
I want you to find love so true
Even though it makes me blue
My heart aches to leave you alone
With not even the telephone
Forgive me for not getting to be
the things that you and I wanted to be
Remember always you have my heart
It was always yours, right from the start
If you only had 5 minutes to show
the life your love may never know
Would you know how to express it?
So they knew you really meant it
Would you hold them in your arms so tight?
Would you use your words to cause a fight?
Could you use your mouth to say the words
your heart was desperate to have heard?
Would a single kiss tell it all?
Or would you be too afraid to fall?
Would you let the moment pass you by?
Would you wonder how, would you wonder why?
When the time was over and gone
Could your heart ever truly move on?
So what if we were all alone?
No world, no problem, no one to know…
In that 5 minutes what would you say?
Could you give your heart away?
Could you leave with no regrets
Or act as if we never met?
And all at once what is left to say?
Did you give it your all?
Or did you walk away?
The 1st Letter
When you wrote to me when we were teens I never responded to your heart felt words of love and your hope to be together. I always regretted it. I went into my adult years wondering what the hell was wrong with me and why I couldn’t tell the right people the right things at the right times. I always left things out. Always did the wrong thing. I know now that being a teen was hard and teenagers are just bad at making good decisions. It is our nature to do things the wrong way so it can prepare us to make better choices as grownups. So when I grew up, I felt terrible that I left you hanging. That I didn’t tell you how I felt, that I loved you too, that we should try at least for the time we had to be together. I always regretted not telling you. I still do now.
So I got married, had a baby and my mom called me from Pittsburgh to tell me you were dead. Killed in a drunk driving accident. My heart was broken. Not only did I not tell you how I felt when I should have. But now I never could tell you. How terrible! About a year later, I had a dream about you. It was amazing. I felt like it was so very real. You were there in my dream. A vapor, a ghostly figure. You wanted to tell me something. It is important. I can’t remember most of it, and I can’t seem to find anything that I wrote about it now. But before I woke up, you leaned in and kissed me. What an amazing kiss it was! And too short too because I woke up, startled. I have yet to have any other dreams so intense, so important to me at the time that I would write it down. It really felt that important. It was so much on my heart after that dream that I wrote to your brother and sent it to your Dad’s address that I had found online. Hoping it would make it to Frank and that he would know the pain that I shared. I don’t remember much of what I wrote to him. I know it said how sorry I was that you were gone and how much I missed you. I told him in the letter that I wanted him to call or write if he ever needed anything.
Imagine my surprise when I receive a letter in the mail saying that you are very much alive. It was like it is in the movies. I really had someone I loved and cared about come back from the dead. What an amazing thing!
So I wrote you a letter. I can’t even remember what was in it. And I called you and I heard your voice and it was such a happy moment for me to hear you. Sounding as you do in my dreams. We talked about our families and our kids. How we had missed each other. I could sense just over the phone, the tension between us. Things left unsaid. So many things that I wanted to say. So much. But you had a family. How fair would it be to tell you these things? It wouldn’t be fair. And it wouldn’t be fair to my family. I wasn’t unhappy. I loved Bob. There was just something about you. How it just seemed like no matter how we seem like we are supposed to be together we just can’t seem to get there in a way that would make it right.
We drifted apart. We weren’t meant to stay friends at that time. Maybe it is because it is too much for you and me to be friends at all.
I could tell you had some drama going on and I didn’t want to add to that. Funny how I say that now when I chose to add you to my drama so that I could have even a tiny glimpse of you and me and what that looks like.
Time passes by so fast. You look up and it is gone. Turning 30 this year makes me see how fast it can go. I swear I was just a teen. It was you and me watching Batman and Robin. Snuggling close. I sure do wish you had made a move. (I know you do too.)
Life has a funny way of bringing things around. I come to a place in my life where I needed you. Something told me that I needed you. Not anyone else. So I check facebook and who do I find? You. I have to admit to you how happy I was to see your status as single. But more excited when you told me that it was true. Not that for any reason in this whole wide world would I want you to be alone. I just find that something in my heart tells me that I am yours and you are mine so I feel a sort of ownership over you even though I know that isn’t true. It pains me every time I say it or think it, but I know.
You’re NOT mine.
The 2nd Letter
My life took crazy turns. After my first daughter was born Bob had trouble sleeping and the snowball of bad health for him started rolling down the hill. It seemed like things were fine when he first took off work. It was just supposed to be for 3 months. A time to recover from his injuries. We ate organic, took lots of vitamins, went to the chiropractor. Hoping it would help somehow. But it wasn’t meant to be at that time. And 2 surgeries later and more injections than I can count we landed here. With me feeling drained of all of my emotional resources. Not in love anymore. Depressed and having lots of trouble dealing with life’s little dramas let alone the big ones. I had a few messages on facebook with you, and a 5 min call. But when I didn’t hear from you I thought that your life was too busy for me. I didn’t know you were just really busy. And that’s okay. I am sure my feeling that you didn’t need me anymore and my sadness with life at home prompted me to write you that letter. I just needed to see it on paper. To have the words of my heart come out. I had held the words in for so long. I had kept them from everyone. No one knew my heart like that. I just had to tell you the things in my heart. I spent time torn after I wrote it. Should I mail it? Should I burn it? Why would I write something like this? I am inviting myself to either feel rejected or feel something more that I am not supposed to feel for someone other than my husband. The cheater move for me was to ask you if you wanted the letter. Does this man want to know my heart? Should I text him and see? Maybe he wouldn’t mind knowing after all this time. So I grab my phone. I look at it anxiously. I don’t know if I want to be rejected. What if you say no? What if you say you have a life that doesn’t include old friends from the past that hurt you? It took me some time. I drove around with that letter in the car with me. Filled out all but for your address. So I decide to send you a text. I think I remember close to what I texted you.
Me- I wrote you a letter. I am not sure if you want to read it, but if you do just send me your address and I will send it out.
Imagine my excitement to get back this:
You – your address
Then I was even more excited when I got this right after:
You – I can’t wait
My heart went into overload. Then you said you would call me when you had a chance to talk. Waiting for that call seemed to take forever. I thought maybe you wouldn’t call at all. And then, while I was at a birthday party with Faith, doing yet another party all alone and feeling very much that day like a single mom you called. It was so wonderful to hear your voice. I am just connected to that sound. The deep resonating tone of your voice and the accent you have from years of living in Pittsburgh. I have never ever had anyone’s voice effect me so much. So you take that as an amazing compliment. Your voice is super sexy and I am happy to have had it say some of the sweetest things I have ever heard a person say to me. Just too wonderful.
So when you called me you asked me what was in the letter. Of course I can’t keep secrets. You asked so I had to tell. I told you that I was sorry. And I am. So sorry for not telling you years ago. I should have given you and I the chance to see if we had something that might have lasted through distance. I was too young to know. I can wish I had said something then, or that maybe you would have made a sweet move to kiss me, but we can’t go back. And I know we both love our kids so we wouldn’t want to go back if doing that would take them away. That is one of the things I love about you.
We talked for so long. I told you how much I missed you. How I missed the sound of your voice, your friendship. It is amazing but I don’t think anyone else on this planet knows me like you do and we haven’t spent time together to justify that. It’s like you are just supposed to know that stuff about me. Like you always know what to say that just makes me feel better. I sure am going to miss that and I don’t know how to even live without that. But I am getting sidetracked.
You asked me about how I felt about Bob, and my heart poured out all the things I hadn’t told anyone. How I wasn’t in love, but that he wasn’t a bad guy, we just slipped apart through the hardships of this hard life. That I loved him. But that I just was so tired of everything being like this. You were so supportive. Just talk to him you said. How smart and sweet you are! How lucky I was to talk to you so that I could just tell you all the things that I wanted to and feel all the sadness and guilt of not telling you how I felt melt away. I finally had my say. What a relief. And what a relief that you weren’t harboring feelings of hatred for me after having left you without a word about the letter you gave me. I had my friend back. Smart, sensible, and wonderful You. (And single! So terribly bad for me) Why should I think of you so much!?
We talked the whole party. I was so happy just to hear your voice, to hear about your kids and your life. I never wanted our conversation to end. We talked so long and so much about how I missed you, about these feelings that had been re-stirred up in my heart and soul about us and how we never had a chance. I can’t remember all of the things that we talked about. It was such a long conversation and it was so wonderful. I know because when I think about it I feel happy to remember that first long conversation between you and I. What was more amazing to me was that you talked about how you missed me. How you had been in love with me all those years ago. How you wished you had made a move when the chance had been there. We talked a little about the past. How we first met, how I asked if you were scared of me. Maybe you should have been. I am pretty scary if you think about it. I stand beside the fact that anyone in their right mind would not want to be married to me. As usual I am getting off track. We said we would talk later. I just couldn’t wait. How wonderful to talk to you again later. It sounds sappy but I was just so excited to talk to you that later when I didn’t get to talk you while I was at the skating rink I was really sad about it. I thought for some reason that not talking to you meant that I would NEVER get to talk to you. I find that I can be a little dramatic and that was surely proof of that. I don’t remember if I talked to you that night. But I know I was happy when we talked again. I wish that my brain had saved pieces of every call we ever made. I know that we texted a lot. You would send me the sweetest text messages. Telling me to have a good day, telling me that you missed me. I remember that one night we had talked on the phone for a bit and we said our goodnights. Then you sent me a text that I will surely never forget.
You – You would not believe how much I miss you right now.
Me – I miss you too. More than I can say.
You – You’re just saying that.
Me – I am not just saying that. I miss you so much. It is strange to miss someone you haven’t seen in 13 years.
I remember that we texted a lot that night. Talking much about how we missed each other, wondering what we had missed out on. I texted you for a long time that night. We even talked about my littlest one, and how she was spinning in circles on the floor and she was so awake when we started talking and by the time we were done she was asleep. She wore herself out and I had a great time just spending text time with you. I didn’t even know texting could feel like actually spending time with someone. It was almost like a first date via text. We had many conversations and texts after that. I suppose it was bad of me to want you as my guilty pleasure.
I am trying to think of specific conversations that we had. I remember that we talked about how we never got to kiss. How we wondered what it would have been like. I know that I commented that I believed it would have been amazing. Just a moment in time where you and I would have been alone, and ready to take that 5 minutes of time together. I would look into your eyes and you mine. You would lean in; I can feel your breath on my face, my breath on yours. The scent of you and me mixing together, I would see that you are waiting for a sign, something that says it is ok to press your lips against mine. I would lift my chin and inhale a little sharply in anticipation and you would close the distance. And in that moment time would stand still. It would just be you and me, and it would be just a slow and sweet kiss, till you felt my lips slightly part for you. Then it would become fiercer, more passionate, my hands would dive into your hair, you would tighten your grip on my waist. The passion would build, and it would be just you and me tasting, and exploring each other mouths. Once we have tasted each other enough we part for a moment to look at each other and fully understand what just happened. Magic. Amazing isn’t it, how words on paper can make me wonder why we never got this moment.
It made me so happy to talk to you. Just thinking about you still makes me feel happy. This story, our story, it binds us. It is something that will keep this short time a little more than a memory. I hope that this will mean something to you to. I wish that we could have written this together. You could have filled in my blanks. Then our story would be complete. Both sides. And you can see again that I am distracted by my short attention span.
You have said so many wonderfully sweet things to me over these 2 months. I wish I could remember them all. I remember asking you if you had told anyone about us like your brother for example. Your response was so sweet.
You – What would I tell my brother? Hey Frank, do you remember that girl from when we were teens? Well I fell in love with her and I might inherit 3 kids.
That was so very sweet. It was one of the sweetest things that I had ever heard. You said it so matter of factly. Like it would be no problem that I have 3 girls, you would gladly take them as your own if we were to be together. My heart could barely contain such wonderful words. You are such a sweet man and to have to tell you that writing this today makes me feel better. With our goodbye so close, I feel so depressed and have had trouble eating and sleeping. I feel like it is such a cruel twist of fate that I should find you and love you when we are at a time where we can’t be together. Certainly it is not right but I guess we will have to wait and see what time has in store for us.
Another one of my favorite moments was our first story.
( EXPLICIT CONTENT ALERT, if it bugs you turn back now!)
I see us in my mind, getting ready to take a walk. Me in my handkerchief shirt and black swishy skirt, you in a button up shirt and jeans. We walk out the hotel lobby, unsure of where we are going, just a need to walk and spend time together. The walk starts off innocent enough. We are side by side, not touching, just walking. Talking about much of nothing. The city lights, the weather, how it looks as if it might get stormy. You ask if we want to head back in case the weather gets bad. I say no. I don’t want to stop walking.
Me – I’m not sugar, I promise that I won’t melt.
You laugh. It sounds so sexy that it sends chills down my spine, that just your laugh could have that effect on me. I bump into you while we walk since you laughed at my quip and you reach for my hand. I look down and lace my fingers in yours. My heart races just to feel your skin against mine, even in a way that is innocent enough. Just to be here with you now, worth every second that we spend together.
We walk some more, quietly, holding hands. I am sure thinking about what this hand holding means. Feeling so intensely about something so small, so insignificant. It felt so important to just touch you, to hold your hand like a lover would.
Me – Let’s take a break.
We stop at a brick wall. We just sit together for a few minutes. Just you and me. Listening to the street sounds. We sat without letting go of each other’s hands. As if we were afraid to let go ,that we wouldn’t be able to resume holding hands if we stopped now. And all at once you let go. You stand up and pace in front of me for a second. Then you stand in front of me and lean down.
You – Close your eyes.
Me – Why? ( I tilt my head to the side. Curious)
You – Please…
Me – Alright. But no jokes. I won’t laugh if you’re going to try to scare me.
You laugh again, only your voice is filled with a husky tone. The sound reverberates inside me, and I feel a fire light up in all my quiet places. I close my eyes, not quite sure what to expect, but hopeful that I won’t be disappointed. I long to feel your lips pressed against mine, to feel your breath on my neck, to taste your mouth. I feel you so close to my face now, I can feel the heat of your breath on my face, I can smell your cologne and sweat and it creates a hunger inside me. I can’t deny that I am waiting intensely to see what comes next.
You rest your forehead on mine as if you are trying to decide what to do next, I hear your breath in deep and I gasp at the thought of what may come next. You kiss my left cheek, then my right, resting your hands on either side of me on the wall. I suck in a breath the air so thick with anticipation. You kiss my jaw bone, and then behind each of my ears, it is all I can do not to moan out loud in this alley way we are sitting in. I gasp one last time before you lips touch mine and I can all but hold in my desire. I wrap my arms around your neck and pull you against me. Needing to feel your body against mine. How could we have waited this long to feel this moment? Your hands move from the sides of me and move around my waist, pulling me even tighter against your body. Then it happens. It starts to rain. It starts off slow and we barely notice so wrapped up in the new discovery of each other’s mouths and tastes. Then it gets harder and harder until the rain is pouring so much we look up. We both start to laugh and you grab my hand and we run looking for a place we can hide from this rain, feeling hot and breathless from the moments before. You find a doorway barely lit by a single bulb and you pull me into it. I lean against the wall. Trying to catch my breath and looking at you with desire in my eyes. You place a hand on either side of my head on the wall. Leaning in with so much love and passion in your eyes.
Me – Wow. (is all I can say)
You – I have so much more to show you.
You lean in again so intensely gazing into my eyes and I can feel the heat radiating off of you, you seem so powerful at this moment, as if you held my very breath in your hands and you can do with it whatever you want. As you lean in I tilt my chin to meet your lips and at this invitation you eagerly kiss my lips, Testing my bottom lip with your tongue, waiting for the invitation to come in. I part my lips and meet your tongue with mine. I wrap my arms around your neck and dig my fingers into your hair. Your hands touch my face, then slide down my body to reach my hips and you pull me closer so that every inch of me is touching every inch of you. Your mouth leaves mine as a moan escapes my lips and you kiss my neck, slowly, as if you have all the time in the world to look for all the secret places that my neck has to offer you. I tilt my neck in response to give you all the access you need, wanting to feel you kiss and suck all the tender places my neck could have. You don’t disappoint as you hit every spot that I need and want you to touch. I can’t help the moans that escape my mouth and as you hear them you moan in response and recapture my mouth as if you had missed it so much during your time with my neck. You kiss me as if you will never see me again, as if in this moment we will perish and you have to show me everything you feel with your mouth. I kiss you back with a ferocity that surprises me, as if I can’t get enough of you, your taste, your smell, I want to absorb it into my skin and make it my own. I want to be a part of you, so that we would never have to endure being apart. You press me against the wall, as if you can’t get close enough, I feel your desire for me, as our wet clothes fail to hide the heat of our bodies. You grab my hips and lift me so that I straddle your hips and you press me even closer to the wall never letting go of my mouth with yours. Our bodies are so tightly pressed together and I can feel how much you want me, and how I want you. I feel your hands slide up my skirt, kneading my skin with your fingers, I hear you moan as you realize that I am not wearing panties. I reach my hands down to the button on your jeans. I just need to feel you, inside me, right now. I don’t care where we are, I just need in this moment to be a part of you. All at once we are one, I gasp as I feel you enter me, and I lean my head back just to moan. You lean into me, pulling me closer, searching for my mouth with yours, wanting to be a part of me without missing anything. I feel the heat building, I can barely stand it any longer, and all at once you and I come together. It feels like fireworks and I try to pull you closer and you try to pull me closer and I hear you moan in my mouth. I rake my nails across your shoulders and I shudder at the intense release.
We stand there, gasping, with our eyes closed, holding each other so tightly that we can barely feel any space between us. I take a deep breath and chance to look up at your face. Our bodies still linked together pressed against the brick wall. As I look up I see you staring at me. You look so intense and filled with passionate love for me. It is silent except for the noise of distant cars. I tighten my legs grip around your waist. I wonder what to say. What could possibly come close to being appropriate to say after such an event as making love in an alley way soaked with rain? You as always know just what to say, as if your mind is connected to mine telling you that I am ready for the silence to be broken.
You – You are so beautiful.
I blush at this statement is made. You mean every word. So honest and so sweet all at once
Me – You are amazing!
I pull your face to mine just to kiss your lips once more.
You laugh that sexy husky laugh and it causes us to part. I laugh too, and as you button your pants, and I adjust my skirt I know that something magical and more passionate for words has just happened. You look me in the eyes and you kiss me once more. Taking my face in your hands so sweetly, taking a slow moment to explore and to just love my lips and mouth. How could I possibly ever want for more? I wish that this kiss would never end, but I know that all things need a break and after what we just had, I know that we are needing a break. I hear your stomach growl, and I pull away and laugh.
Me – Well I guess that is the sign that I should feed you since I have helped you work up an appetite.
You laugh and it stirs up in me fresh desire for you. If we don’t leave soon this alley will be the stage for another batch of love making. I grab your hand and run into the rain with you. It is sprinkling now, much of the downpour let up while we were intensely connected. We run all the way back to the lobby, and decide before we eat we should change clothes since we now realize that we are wet and the heat of our love making fading and the cool air of the lobby helping the chill set in . Our rooms are next to each other so we head to the elevator. A quick change of clothes and then we could find a place to eat. Nothing could possibly delay us in heading to the rooms right?
The elevator story that we talked about comes next. I added a lot to the one in the alley but I am sure after you read it you have no objections to my additions. Plus it makes it more story like since I am weaving all of our stories into one. Not sure how they will end. Maybe a teary goodbye much like the one that is coming up. My heart aches just to think about it. I take a break from this for a few minutes. I miss you so much right now after typing that. This was the story you had me share some of out loud with you. You helped me so much that day, letting me vocalize my heart’s desire. I will never forget it and I am so glad that I could share it with you. It amazes me to look down at the word count as see 5600 words. I don’t think there could ever be enough words to describe what I feel for you. Someday….
I know that the majority of the elevator story was written by both of us on facebook. It was intense then, and I am happy to include it in this book. I have to say since we had our goodbyes yesterday I feel even more intense about this story. I am sure you will notice that. I have so much I want to add that I wonder if I could possibly ever actually finish this when my brain can think of you and I in so many places just spending time together. Not all of them are dirty and naughty. Some are just sweet. Like walking at night with you. I can see us holding hands, just walking and laughing. Though hearing your laugh stirs within me feelings that could lead us to something else…
So you and I rush to the elevator, the rain picking back up outside and thunder sounding in the distance. I push the button and we wait for the elevator to come down.
You – You are soaked. (Pulling at the bottom of my shirt)
Me – Really? And what is this all over you?
You – Some crazy lady wanted to go for a walk in the rain.
Me – Do you wish we had stayed here instead? (my tone changing and some of the heat from our alley moments creeping in)
You – Hmmmm.
Wrapping your arms around my waist and pulling me close. You kiss my neck and again, the world disappears and I am lost in your scent. I put my arms under your wet shirt so I can feel your heart beat. I can feel it picking up speed. The elevator dings, and we are lucky that it is empty. You pull me inside and the doors close. Before we can start the accent to our rooms we hear a crash of thunder and the lights go out. An emergency light comes on to illuminate us just enough that I can see your face.
Me – Have I ever told you that I am afraid of the dark?
You – Well come a little closer and I will keep you safe.
Reaching out for me. Your hand finds mine and you pull me close. The loud speaker at the console buzzes and speaks.
Console – The power may be out for a bit. Please just be patient and we will have you out of the elevators and back to your rooms in no time.
You push the button and ask how long.
Console – We aren’t sure. The power company says that it may be 30 min to an hour before they get power back on. You will at least have 20 minutes or so in there.
You – Thanks.
I giggle even though the darkness freaks me out.
Me – Did I mention that I am also a little claustrophobic?
I look at the walls. So close together.
You – I guess I should distract you then since we have this time alone.
You lean down and find my lips. So sweetly, so gently. You hold me in your arms so delicately. I feel so safe, so protected. I am meant to be here with you. Where else could I be right now that would so right? Your hands circle my waist and your hands roam lower, brushing against my rear before tracing their way back up till you find them touching my face, holding me steadfast to you. You begin kissing me more fiercely by the second. I find my hands must touch you, and I reach up to find my hand unbuttoning your shirt. I want to feel your skin, to trace the lines that make you up with my fingers, to pull my nails across your skin. I leave your mouth so I can trace my lips down your jaw, to feel the stubble of you jaw under my lips, to find my lips on your neck, kissing you, licking your neck. I can taste the salty sweat on your skin. I feel your hands moving all along my body and I ache to have you touch me everywhere. My body is a roadmap and I want you to make all the stops. I draw your ear lobe in my mouth and bite it then make my way back down your neck so that I can feel your heart beat underneath my lips. I pause over your heart and for a moment I place my face over your heart, just to feel it beat against my cheek. Then I kiss you there, and look up at your face. I can see you are filled with eager anticipation and I lean up and kiss your mouth, softly, with such to taste you again. I feel your arms against my shoulders and my hands on your chest as you push me towards the wall. leaving mine. Wanting to explore ever spot in my mouth and yours. You wanting to memorize my taste and me wanting to just love you in this moment in the only way I can show you. Just to feel you so close. I know we won’t make it out of this elevator before our clothes are lying on the floor. It is amazing how we can feel so intensely since we had been apart for so long. I just need to fill my emptiness with you. I need you and you need me and right we can hold each other, and kiss, and love in a way we had missed for 13 years. My top falls to the floor and there for you to see my breasts waiting for your mouth to visit them too. You don’t disappoint, as you take a turn with each one, holding one while kissing the other, slowly kissing, licking, and biting each one in turn. I moan outloud, loving each moment of contact with my skin and your mouth. At the sound of my moan you moan in turn and recapture my mouth. I pull your shirt the rest of the way off and throw it to the floor so that now we are both topless, but I don’t stop there. I unbutton your pants and shove them down, exposing you. I reach down and hold you in my hands. I love the feel of your length in my hands. The power, you moan out loud in my mouth and I kiss your more passionately then before loving the sound of your pleasure. Your hands grab my skirt and yank it down and we are now both standing in the elevator, naked and touching each other where ever we can, trying never to break the contact of our mouths. Your taste is intoxicating and I can’t get enough, I just want to kiss you till I can’t barely stand anymore.
You lace your fingers with mine, and you slowly pull me to the floor, you lay me on my back and we stop kissing for a moment, breathless. You look into my eyes and smile. Wow you are sexy and your smile just lights me up inside.
You – I love you.
Me – Oh my, I love you so very much too!
Hearing this your face lights up and you recapture my mouth with ferociousness not known before. As if you need to show me how much you love me now with your mouth and your body. I match your kiss and I pull your body into mine, making us one. You moan and I moan in response. I rock in time with your thrusts, I Pull you close to me, raking my nails down your back while pressing my lips against your neck. I bite your neck then kiss it as if the kiss make the nibble better. You lean down and kiss my mouth and I feel you pick up speed. I match your speed feeling the peak coming, and you look in my face and I feel you slow down, deepening your thrusts, slowly moving in and out and I begin to moan calling out your name. I wrap my arms around your back arching into you. With one more swift thrust I hit the peak and cry out, you match it, thrusting faster and peaking yourself. You collapse on me and we lay there connected the way two people so in love and at one with each other can.
You – I meant what I said. ( a little breathless)
Me – Me too. (I sigh)
I wrap my arms around you. A perfect moment, stretched out in time just for us. You hold my face in your hands and kiss me. So softly, just barely brushing your lips against mine. I sigh against your mouth.
Me – I’ll always love you. Know that.
You – I know. (You kiss my nose.)
I laugh. And you laugh too, that deep laugh that warms me to the core.
Console – We will have the power back up in about 5 minutes.
You – I guess that’s our cue to get dressed.
You laugh again. I just love the sound. I wish that I could bottle it and carry it with me always. We help each other get dressed which is so romantically in a way. To help someone get dressed when they don’t need your help can be highly erotic. I button your pants and wish that we were still embraced together bodies linked perfectly. Just as you finish tying my shirt the elevator starts moving and we laugh.
Me – We cut that close. ( nudging you playfully)
You pull me close and look into my eyes so intensely. I could stare into those pools forever. Just always look at me with such love and desire. I could never feel lonely knowing that you feel that way.
You – I am amazed by you. I think we should stay in the rest of the night and get some room service. I don’t know if I have spent enough time inside you today. (Your voice husky with the sound of your desire)
The elevator reaches our floor and I wonder what the night has in store for us. Tasting you, holding you, loving you, that is all that matters tonight.
I hope this scene met with your approval. I know this one was a joint effort and we talked about it online for a long time. I am sure I could not possibly add everything since it was long and intense online. I hope that you are pleased with it none the less. I am sad that I may never know how you felt about our story. It is ours, I hope that someday you will add to it and save it for me. I would love to read your version. To see how your mind thought of us would be something I could treasure in my very soul. Today has been hard for me. It is 7/14/2010, not a week since we said goodbye and already I feel like I dreamed you. I find it hard to see your face and your voice fades from me, like I heard you calling my name on the wind but I just can’t make out the sound. At least I know that you will have this. I can count on you know that I love you when you read this. My feelings are real, and they will be real forever. I will have you hiding inside my heart for as long as you will let me. I have to say, my heart aches. I cried for you today. Thinking about you all day in my fantasy world where we are together. Bob said something and it just plain hurt.
Bob – Well he sure didn’t fight for you did he?
He had been trying to make me laugh, and I can tell when he said it he wished he could take it back. But it was already out. Stinging my heart. I know that you and I made the right choice. I have to try for the kids. See if I can make this work since it used to work well. But sometimes I wish you had asked me to be with you instead. I don’t think I could have told you no. I would have wanted to pack all my things and bring my kids to be with you. I know it sounds impulsive. Probably wrong too. But thinking of myself with you just seems right. But I digress writing this part. I remember that this is our story, not how I feel about things now. I should return to the story of us. More memories that we can remember later when our thoughts are fading. The brain is a cruel tool, remembering only what it seems to want to. Sometimes I just sit and wonder what we talked about. I know that it was wonderful. Bob actually looked it up on our phone bill in an effort I imagine to torture himself and found that we had spoken almost 28 hours of talk time, and sent over 3,064 text messages.
He never uses profanity but he actually said:
What the fuck could you talk about that much?
I left out the juicy stuff of course that being for your ears and mine. I just miss talking to you so much. I remember a conversation we had (see I was going somewhere with all this line of thought just now). The day that you told me you love me we had talked before that. I told you that I had decided what I was going to wear, I chose the black swishy skirt and the handkerchief shirt, I wanted to look sexy, and I wanted that first hug to be so awesome. I wanted to be able to feel your skin on mine the first moment we hugged. Just to feel you touch me. I even asked if you wanted my hair up or down. I said that I could wear it loosely up and then I could let you pull it down so you can see my shoulders before you let my long hair fall back into place. I still relish the thought of your hands on my skin. Even the most innocent of contact would be welcome to me. A hug, a brushing against each other by accident. Just to touch you. So sweet. I guess the next story that I should add to this would be the one we had about your bedroom. I think that I will write two versions of that one. One that I told you about, watching a movie and making love on your sofa. Just to rest my head on your chest. I feel like there would be such peace there, That story is where the image of you shirtless in jeans with the top button undone comes from. Mounting me in your bed from above. So sexy. Yikes just thinking about it makes me miss you more. I think that for tonight I will stop, so that maybe I can sleep without being haunted with sexy thoughts of you that I feel like I will never get to feel in real life.
Today I got a new laptop for my writing. Typing our stories has inspired me to write more. I am sure that you and I will talk again someday so I want to make sure that I write to you in here so that someday I can give all of these letters to you and you can read my thoughts from the time while we are out of contact. I wonder if I asked you when it is time for us to say goodbye if you would write letters and save them for me. Someday we have to get to see each other. I can’t believe that the world would let me find you only to take you away forever. It just couldn’t be true. So while this message will be a short one since I need to go to bed I am happy to write something that can someday be in your hands.
I wake up sad today. July 11th, 2010. The day that I say goodbye to Dick. Of course I am sad. It is amazing how hard it can be to say goodbye when you never even saw each other. I can’t imagine how hard this is for him. To lose someone twice. Sounds unbearable. I feel like the whole thing is unbearable. I have felt sick for 2 days now. Probably in anticipation of saying this goodbye.
I want to be young and in love. Not old and responsible. Certainly choosing what is the right choice, staying here, making it work. It is the choice that makes me sad. My heart tells me to run, run and be happy. But I know that I can’t. I must stay. What a sad birthday I will have this year. Hitting 30 isn’t hard enough, let’s have drama of the heart too. The unfairness of life astounds me. I am truly full of sad drama, and just typing leads me into heartache that hasn’t even begun. I know this all sounds dramatic, I may look back at this day and wonder why I dramatized it so much, or I may feel that I was justly sad and dramatic this day. I am certain that for any reason that I may come back and look at this (and it will be a while) that I will feel like I was sad with good reason, and I may still be sad. I guess that I will just have to wait and see. What does GOD have in store for me? I just don’t know, but I will wait and try to be patient and see if I can get any happy back with things like this or if I am just meant to sit around and wonder what it would be like to be alone. Or not alone…
Tomorrow marks a week. Good grief really? It has only been a week!??! I feel as though we haven’t talked in months. My pain is certainly not aware of a time table. I am trying to finish this today. I know that a lot will be left out. But I need to make this one week mark a good day to mail the box to you. So that I try not to think of it anymore. I want to be with you. But I can’t. So I have no right to think of you the way I do. I thought of something the other day. It made me sad. I cried, You aren’t mine. You were never mine, and by the looks of it, you will never be mine. This is the saddest sentence I have ever typed. Though I am sure when I get to the typed goodbye that one will surely be the saddest. Certainly goodbye has changed it’s meaning for me. I make an effort not to use it in any kind of natural language since it’s meaning seems so final. So permanent. I know that you said that you don’t feel like this is goodbye. Just a temporary break from each other. I don’t know how fate could bring us together again but I guess I will just wait and see. I miss you terribly. Selfishly I hope you do to. I have looked at your Facebook page to see if you have posted anything new. I probably shouldn’t.
So here is one we never talked about. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how you can cook. And how I would have loved to have you cook for me. So here it is. You make me dinner, and a little something else. I love you.
Me – So you made me dinner? I ask as we pull up to your house
You – Of course. You said you love macaroni and cheese so I had to make you my special home made mac n cheese, just for you.
You smile. I smile just seeing you smile. How can someone be so sexy? Just looking at your face lights me up inside.
Me: Your too sexy, I say looking intently at his face. The dark lines of his 5 o’ clock shadow accenting his strong chin. I could hold that chin in my hands forever. Just to feel his face so close.
We walk through the front door and I smell it. So cheesy and warm. In the dining room I see everything lit by candles. Plates and drinks ready for us to sit. It is the sweetest scene I have ever seen.
Me – Is this all for me?
Certainly it is but I just want to hear your funny response.
You – Nope, I get to eat it too.
You laugh again and I just feel happy to hear the sound. To be lucky enough to be here right now with you, In this place, I really couldn’t ask for more. A quiet evening alone for you and I to be together. It is all I have wanted. You pull out the chair for me, and I can smell your cologne. He showered before he picked me up. He smells so clean and I just want to skip dinner and spend the evening wrapped in his arms. You catch me staring at you and it makes you smile, your eyes smoldering. I can tell you would have us do the same. We had a chance once, while snuggling watching a movie. You had the chance to make a move then, but the moment slipped past us. We have a new chance to see what that moment could look like tonight. I giggle a little and you look at me. Thinking the same thing as me.
You – Well let’s eat and then we can get to the movie.
You say with desire in your voice. I do love that sound.
I slip my shoes off under the table so I can caress your legs under the table. Just like the movies I think to myself. I feel like in a movie when I am with you.
You – Careful, we might not have time to finish dinner you keep it up.
Me – I might be happy to take the blame for that.
I make kissy noises in the air. You stand up and knock over your chair. I look up at you startled.
You – Alright then.
You scoop me up in your arms, and I laugh but I know that dinner will now have to wait.
Me – Uh oh, I hope your macaroni tastes good cold.
You laugh that deep sexy laugh and I lean in and kiss you, wrapping my arms around your neck, slow at first, then I press my tongue between your lips and you open up to me. I delve inside, looking for all the places I might have missed the last time we were together. You let me explore for a moment before pressing your own tongue in. Our tongues dance, gliding in and out, pressing and touching, and tasting everything we can. We pull apart and you look towards your bedroom.
You – You are amazing.
Me – Wait till we get into your bed!
You laugh and you practically run us into your bedroom. You toss me onto the bed, and I erupt into laughter. You plop down next to me, face rested on your hand. Just staring at me.
Me – Whatcha lookin at?
You – Someone I love.
Me – Oh really, where are they I would like to meet them.
I laugh, I know you mean me, I just have trouble grasping how anyone could love me the way you do. I just need to hear it.
You – I love you.
Me – Make love to me.
You need no other words. You recapture my mouth from before but with a passion that is only known by real love. I pull you to me, wanting to feel your body pressed against mine. I kiss you back, matching your passion with my own. Feeling your body tighten and heatin up above mine. I just love feeling you tower over me. Dominating this moment. Taking me over. I want to give myself to you with everything I have. Take it. It’s yours.
You flip me over till I am straddling your hips. I look down at you. I am now in control. I reach up and pull the clip out of my hair. My dark hair falls in waves over my shoulders. I start to unbutton my shirt, and you grab my wrists and just like that, I am under you again, pinned to the bed.
I laugh full of desire.
Me – That was a good move. Show me more…
You lean over me, and kiss me softly, You kiss my neck, nibble at my ear lobes, dancing your tongue underneath the pressure of the kiss of your lips. I moan outloud, arching my back, rubbing your legs with my own.
Me – Don’t stop!
You – I couldn’t
You kiss me again and we melt together, your mouth tasting all my mouths places. I wrap my arms around your neck needing you as close as you can be. Feeling your body heating up next to mine. I unbutton your shirt, never losing your mouth. I need to feel your skin under my hands. I glide it over your shoulders feeling your strength under my finger tips, You pull the shirt off the rest of the way and you sit all the way up pulling me with you, your fingers find the front of my shirt. Taking your time with each of the buttons. You slide your arms around my naked waist. Your hands are hot on my skin and I feel like they are blazing trails of heat along everywhere you touch. I plunge my fingers in your hair, pulling it, trying to get you closer, as close as we can be.
Me – I have too many clothes on. (My breathing heavy)
You – You are right.
You unhook my bra with a single motion, and sitting there looking at you looking at me.
You – Amazing
You reach down and unbutton my pants while capturing my mouth again with yours. I reach down and unbutton yours. Wanting to be close to you, naked and feeling all of your skin naked against mine.
Me – I need you
You – I want you
All at once we are a tangle of limbs, kissing, touching, loving. You lean over and whisper in my ear, all the while kissing me, your hands touching me everywhere they can.
You – Knock knock
Me – Please come in. (I arch my back in response)
You flip me over, towering over me, powerful. You pin my arms and enter me with one swift motion. I cry out in pleasure and I hear you moan. I struggle beneath you, wanting to feel your body, to pull you close, but you hold me fast, thrusting slowly, deeply. I moan, and I can hear your breathing growing rapid, I feel your body heating up, you start moving faster and faster, and I can feel my own passion growing.
Me – Faster, harder!
You let go of my arms and lean into me and I grab your shoulders to hold on, I cry out in my pleasure and you moan and I feel you explode inside me. You land heavy on top of me. You lift yourself up a little to look into my eyes. Your face is a breathless expression of the love and passion we just shared.
Me – I love you.
You – Ditto.
I kiss your mouth. I sigh against your lips. I could stay linked this way to you forever.
Me – Please stay? (I just want to feel you here with me.)
You – I will always stay.
You leave my body but lay beside me, lacing your fingers in mine. I lay my head on your chest. I feel your heart beat against my face, and your breath in my hair. Can I stay here forever?
Our Goodbye Call:
I called you from Sonic, to let you know. A goodbye phone call was in our future. You were so sensible. You said something I will hold dear to me.
You – I love you and I want to be with you….
Of course that is followed with a but you should try to make your marriage work blah blah blah. All the unhappy talk. God help me how hard it is to not talk to you. Everyday is harder than the last.
We just hit 10,000 words. That’s a lot of love. I hope you love it all.
Tonight I will type our last love scene that we talked about. Which was you and I on your sofa. Very steamy. I hope that you really save these stories and if you choose to add anything save it for me. I will want to read it someday. I watched Romeo and Juliet today. It felt ironically appropriate. To think of us that way. Our love killed off in its infancy. Someday…
I just wished I could lay my head on your chest and feel you breath. So here it is. The last story that I will write for this book of us. I will save the others in my heart, and maybe here in my laptop. But I don’t want to hold onto this for so long that you don’t get to have it. Plus the longer I have to write this the harder it is for me to let you go. And I know that at some point, I have to let go. I just don’t know how. I don’t think I can.
When we said goodbye on the phone, your voice held hope that someday we will meet again, able to see each other in the love light. I hope that you meant it. It is so easy to know how you feel when I talk to you, not hearing your voice I feel empty and lost. I miss you. You said on the phone:
You – We have to say it sometime.
Me – I know (crying)
You were so strong. Much stronger than me. I feel like I am just going through the motions in life now. I felt alive and in love when I was talking to you. It was real wasn’t it? I didn’t imagine it. I feel like I must have dreamed it all. I felt connected to you, and we never even made love. To feel so connected to someone. I hope that it was like that for you.
I knock on your door. Haven’t watched movies with you in 13 years. I just can’t wait to snuggle up on your couch, held in your arms. Just peaceful, and quiet. Nothing better in the whole world. I stand at your door waiting, I wore my hair down, and one of my strapless dresses. Just to be comfortable with you. I hear your footsteps and my pulse responds in kind. Racing already and I haven’t even seen you yet. The door opens and my heart leaps.
You – Hi hot stuff.
You pull me close, hugging me so tight, I feel your breath near my face, and I pull back to kiss your lips. I could kiss you forever. You pull away, and for a moment I am disappointed.
You – Time for the movie.
I can see the happy laughter in your eyes as you look at my face.
You – I promise more of that inside.
Me – Well then I guess we can watch a movie.
I may sound a little disappointed but snuggling with you is something that just makes my heart feel happy. Happy in an amazing way that I swear no one has ever felt about another person.
You grab my hand and pull me inside. I lace my fingers in yours. I may never let go. I can feel your heartbeat in your fingers and your heart is racing just like mine. I can smell your cologne and a little sweat from you working today. I could just spend the night with my face buried in your neck. We sit down on the sofa and you pull me into your lap.
Me – so this is my seat? (I giggle)
You – Well this is where you belong. (I can hear the sincerity in your voice and I sigh)
Me – God help me but I love you! (I lean over and kiss you again, sweetly)
You kiss me back, wrapping your arms around my waist. I place a hand on your chest to feel your heart beat and a hand on your cheek. I love the feeling of your stubble under my fingers. I drink you in, tasting you, feeling you hold me. You pull away and laugh.
You –Calm down. We have a movie to watch you know.
I laugh, I can tell already. We are so not going to make it through this movie. Because I can feel my temperature rising and you can’t deny me when I need you. Just like I couldn’t deny you. You slide me over and get up to put the movie in.
You – Do you want me to get you something to drink?
Me – How about we share a coke? My favorite.
You – Got it.
You leave the room for a second and I settle into the sofa, watching the credits role by. I wonder what you put it. Not that it matters. Whatever it is, we won’t be watching much, I can barely contain my want for you now.
You – Ta da. (you come in holding a glass of coke)
Me – Yummy
I take the glass and take a drink. You lean over and kiss me and you sit down by me. I scoot over closer. I slide one hand between your knees and lace the other in yours. I rest my head on your chest and I hear you sigh happily. I smile and press closer. Loving the feeling of your warmth.
You – Comfy?
Me – More than you know.
I look up at your face, and you kiss my forehead. It is so sweet. I tuck my free hand under your shirt so I can feel your skin and I feel you slide your hand to my thigh. Best snuggling ever. The movie starts and I laugh. You put in Nothing to Lose. We watched this when we were younger. I remember spooning in my bed watching this in the dark with you. Good thing we have seen this, cause the way your hand is creeping up, we won’t be watching this much longer.
I feel your lips moving down my neck, and I close my eyes, getting lost in your scent, the feeling of your skin and lips on mine. I feel your hand under my dress, you found my lacy panties. I hear you moan a little in my ear. This couch will have stories to tell tomorrow.
(On a side note, it is 7/26/2010, rule broken. Talking to you has filled up my empty emotional cup. How could just talking to you do that? I don’t even know why. I need you. I don’t know how or why, but I do. I just wish I knew what that meant. Are we a good match? Could it work out? So many questions. I miss you terribly. I am guessing that you want to read the rest of the above. Which is supposed to be the last of my stories of us. I have many in my head, but I will save those for when we can talk about them together. )
I turn to face you, straddling your hips on the sofa, I reach up and pull your shirt off. I want to feel your skin beneath my fingers. I toss it on the floor and slide my hands up till my hands wrap around your neck. I lean in squeezing your hips with my knees. I lightly kiss your lips, teasing you with the smallest of touches of my lips to yours, only touching for a second before moving to your neck still kissing so lightly. I feel your hands move to my bottom, pulling me closer to you. I feel your need for me, and I return to your mouth with mine. Wanting to taste you, to feel your passion for me. You reach under my dress and find me wet for you. You moan inside my mouth and our passion becomes fierce. I undo your pants never leaving your mouth, and I free you. I hear you moan out loud and I feel your hips rock under mine. All at once we are naked. Rolling and twisting on the sofa. I feel you bury yourself inside me and I moan outloud. I hear your breathing increase as we rock together. Our motions in time, meeting each other stroke for stroke. I feel your increase your speed and I match it. I arch my back to explode beneath you and I moan in response to the rush, and I hear you moan to and I feel you increase your speed even more. I grab onto you and feel your climax. You call out my name, and I whisper yours next to your face. Both of us breathing hard. I feel you collapse on top of me. Both of us wasted from our love making.
Me: Really? (I laugh and stare into your eyes)
You look at me intently. I can see that you have so much love in your eyes, So much to say that the words are just so hard to find. So much to say how can words in our language really express what this feels like.
You: I love you. Really. It amazes me how much.
Me: Ditto. I couldn’t possible put into words how much in love with you I am and how you make the world just feel so much sweeter. (I lean up and kiss your lips)
You: Do you wanna finish the movie?
Me: I think we have better things to do. (I reach up to kiss your face again, my desire growing just looking into your eyes, I could make love to you all night. And tonight, I might just try.
This is the last thing I ever wrote for Dick. After a long yahoo chat about things left unsaid, things that should have been talked about, Dick told me he could never ask me to come and be with him. He wouldn’t have been able to bear it if I had been unhappy in anyway. He knows I love it here. And I know he loves it there. Neither of us could ask the selfish thing, and beg the other to come to them. Never meant to be. I wrote this in 2 hours. Best one out of all of the in the way of the writing. It is the strongest writing of all my stories. Probably the naughtiest as well. But it needed to come out. The other stories were just images of something, this was the dream. To be chosen. And since that dream died last year all that is left is this story. A story about imaginary characters that aren’t real.
It is amazing the way this life works. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment. Maybe I want to grab onto whatever piece of you I can have. Even if I am grasping desperately. So I wrote yet another ballad of romantical passion about us. Yet another tale that I am sure will never be. But I love this one. It may be my favorite. It is probably because I finally get to say that you are mine.
He looked at the note again. It read :
Omni William Penn Hotel
He could smell her perfume all over and the stationary was hers. The undeniable tattoo stamped the corner. No signature, no questions or comments. Just the hotel and the time. She wanted him to meet her at the hotel. It was a huge surprise to see this note. She hadn’t mentioned that she would be coming to town. He didn’t think she would ever come home for that matter. He wouldn’t deny that he felt desperate inside to see her. It had been so long. But should he go? He knew that she would understand if he didn’t. She wouldn’t be mad at him. A little hurt maybe but not angry. He had met someone. And while he did not love her, he didn’t want to hurt her either. She had lots of family here in town so he wondered how long she had been here. How long she was staying. He worried if he didn’t go that he may miss the only chance that he would get to see her. She had a thriving business and a home and a life in Chicago. He knew she wasn’t here to stay, and she knew he couldn’t go to her either.
He smelled the stationary again. Her aroma floated through his mind to years past, times when they had indulged images of each other embraced in passion. Tasting and loving till they couldn’t get enough. He felt his insides knot up and the potent reaction of his hormones. He knew it already. He would go see her. He had to.
She left the note taped to his door. She didn’t want it to be dramatic. So she did not knock, or stay to see him, even though she ached inside just to knock on the door and have him take her in his arms. She wanted him to know he didn’t have to come. So the simple note, with no signature no begging, no please come I need you. Just a simple invitation. If he thought he could do it then he could come. If he saw her without a choice she knew that later he might feel like she forced him to see her. He needed to have a choice. She always gave him a choice. So this way he knew she was ready to see him. Ready to talk about old times before she had to go home in 2 days. She had spent the last 2 days visiting with family. Photographing her old life. Making mental notes of all the things she loved. This was her last mental note. All of her family thought she left this morning for home. Just one last piece of emotional business to take care of. She needed to know, once and for all. Was all this between them fiction, fantasy, or was it real and as potent as if felt from so far away. So note left, she headed back to the room to get ready. If he didn’t show up she would call her brother to come have a few drinks and she would call the airport to get an earlier flight. Her cab arrived at the hotel and she climbed out and paused to look around. Such a beautiful city. She so loved it here. She just couldn’t stay.
Two showers later he was ready. Dressed in black slacks, and a black button up shirt he paced his room. He shouldn’t go. He knew it was a bad idea. He was unsure if he could control his feelings for her. They felt just as strong as 4 years ago when she first sent him the letter. How could something be so strong? How could people who felt this way manage to stay apart? He went to his closet and opened the box. It had all her letters from years ago. Her perfume, his sweater that she had kept for years. So many things that were about them. He could smell her scent on the old letters. He sat on the floor of his room and grabbed the very last thing he had that was handwritten from her. It told him to be happy, and that maybe someday they would see each other again. He closed the box, slid it into the back of his closet. He needed to make a decision. He just didn’t know what the right decision was.
She stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel to dry off. She was so nervous she could hardly manage to keep getting ready. She was so afraid that he wouldn’t come. Afraid that hours of waiting in the bar would leave her hurt and empty. She looked over at her dress. A beautiful red strapless with a snug black overcoat. She looked amazing in it. Chose it just for this occasion. She wanted to look beautiful for him. She knew he would be handsome and smell amazing and in her eyes look just the same. She threw the towel on the bed and took a deep breath. The time was now. Get dressed, be brave and worst case scenario she would get drunk and pass out later.
She stepped into the elevator. Her delicate heels tapping on the marble floor. She had spent way too much to stay here tonight. She just wanted her last few nights here to be spent in luxury, since she secretly hoped she wouldn’t be staying here alone. She had stayed with family for the earlier part of her trip. She had brought her daughters here to see where she had spent some time as a young girl. The girls had left this morning on a plane home with her sister. She had these two days to finish up her photography work and to put an end to the emotional roller coaster she kept herself on. The doors closed and she reached into her little hand purse to check her phone for the time. 6:48pm. Well the moment of truth was close at hand. And with all the nerves in her stomach she wondered what would be better, to see him or if he chose to stay away. She stepped off the elevator in the lobby and headed to the restaurant where the bar was located. She needed a drink before he arrived. Something to calm her nerves. She sat at the bar and looked around. He wasn’t here so far. But he wasn’t late yet since she was a few minutes early.
Bartender: Can I get you something this evening Miss?
SHE: Vodka Tonic please. And don’t be stingy with the vodka.
The bartender smiled at her and turned to make the drink. She saw the large decorative clock on the wall said 6:55pm. He doesn’t have to be here early she thought to herself. That would seem anxious and she knew he wouldn’t want to seem that way. She tossed back her drink in record time and waiting for the nerves to settle. It didn’t seem like it was going to happen.
SHE: I am going to need another one of these please.
At 7:15pm she looked at the clock. It was official. He wasn’t coming. She had prepared herself for this, but she didn’t think if she couldn’t stay away then he couldn’t either. She finished drink number 3, paid the bartender and was about to leave when she heard him.
HE: Hey there beautiful.
He sounded just like he did the last time he said that to her. She felt her knees grow weak. She needed to turn around. But she didn’t know if she could. Deep breaths, she told herself. She turned around and there he was. Standing there with a single daisy. His smile was bright as day and he looked amazed and ecstatic to see her standing there for real. How long had it been since she had seen his face? 16 years. How could she have let it go that long?
He saw her standing at the bar paying the tab. He wished he hadn’t made her wait. He knew she thought that he wasn’t coming. But he just watched her sitting there from a distance in awe of how amazing that she looked. He swore he could smell her perfume from here. He just admired the curves of her body,the way her dress clung to all her curves. The way her hair moved as she drank her drink. The way she kept looking at the clock and pursing her lips hoping. He heard her say something to the bartender and he saw her about to leave and he couldn’t let her wait any longer. He needed to hear her voice anyway and see her face up close. To see if those eyes still shined when he looked into them.
They stood there in silence.
Her smile was so big when she looked into his face. She looked down for a moment as if summoning all her courage.
SHE: Do old friends get hugs?
HE: Old friends get the best hugs.
It had been a long time since she had felt his arms around her and when he circled her waist and pulled her close she couldn’t help the sigh that escaped her lips as she pressed her face against his chest and wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt his breath in her hair and his heart racing under her cheek.
When he pulled her close her scent was all around him and when she wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his chest he felt his pulse quicken. He never thought he would ever see her again. The love of his life was standing before him and now here she was in his arms. He pressed his face into her hair and breathed her in. He knew it years before now when they had talked about not seeing one another. She had tried to reason with him that maybe it was in their heads. That the connection between them was imaginary, and the magic they felt was over exaggerated. He had told her no. That he knew that the magic between them was real. Standing here and feeling her softness and warmth in his arms as they stood in the hotel bar right now, he knew he was right. He didn’t want to move in case he was dreaming. He tightened his hold on her just wanting to feel her against him as close as he could.
They held on a moment more and he pushed her away enough to look into her face, search her eyes for the answers to all the questions he had always had. This was the face of the woman whom he had loved since he was 16. He knew that his reasons for not being with her 4 years ago were right and noble. But how could she feel so right in his arms when before it had been so wrong to want to be with her?
She looked up into his face. How many nights had she dreamed of his face? Of this moment? She looked away shyly and he laughed. It makes her laugh a little and she feels a little of the nervousness fall away. She pulls him close tightly for a moment more and pulls away.
SHE: Are you hungry?
HE: Not yet. Are you?
SHE: No. Do you want to go for a walk around the hotel? It really is beautiful outside. We could walk, and talk.
HE: I think that would be good. We can eat later.
She resisted the urge to grab his hand. It wasn’t hers to hold. No matter how many years she had worked to convince herself otherwise he still felt like hers. Like he had always been hers. Yet still no matter how many years had passed here they were together for the first time in over a decade and he still wasn’t hers. She grabbed her purse off the bar to keep her hands busy.
HE: Shall we?
He gestured towards the exit and she walked slightly ahead of him. He placed his hand on the small of her back to help guide her towards the exit. He could feel the heat of her skin through the thin dress. He wanted to feel that skin pressed against his, his hands caressing…. Stop it! He thought. Dangerous to think that way. She wasn’t his. Over the years, talking, texting they had shared every corner of their hearts with one another. But they still never managed to fit. To be at that point where they could be together. Tonight in this moment even though she felt like his he had to remember. She wasn’t.
HE: I have missed you. More than I could describe.
SHE: I know. Me too.
They walked around the gardens outside. It really was beautiful outside. It felt so hard to talk to him. To tell him what she was feeling. What was going on inside her mind. Could she say the things that she wanted to before it was time for her to go home?
SHE: Tell me what you are thinking right now. Honestly.
HE: Honestly? Hmmm. Well that is hard. There is so much that is going through my mind. I don’t know where to start.
SHE: Fair enough. It has been too long since we have seen each other. So tell me, Are you glad you came to see me? Or is it too soon to ask?
HE: I am very glad. No matter what. I am so glad that I came.
She smiled to hear that. Since she initiated the meeting she still worried that it would blow up in her face. It may still but for now he was glad he was here with her. At least in this moment it was peaceful between them.
He looked at her as they walked. He could see she was struggling. He wished they could just lay it all out there. Spill all the beans and see what happened. Someone had to go first.
HE: How long are you here for?
SHE: I have 2 days left. I am here working on a special project and I just have a little left. If I get it done early I can leave tomorrow night.
Leaving tomorrow? That was so soon. She couldn’t go home that fast. She was here back with him for what felt like moments and already she was talking about leaving.
HE: Only 2 days? That’s not very long.
SHE: Originally I was only supposed to be in town for 2 days total. But I had things I needed to do.
HE: You mean this?
And there it was. Brought out in a few words. This. Yes, she was here because of this thing between them. Too strong to ignore anymore. She stopped walking. She looked over and saw a bench. She sat down and gestured he sit with her.
SHE: Yes, this thing between us is why I am staying an extra 2 days. (She couldn’t control the emotions racing through her and she couldn’t keep from crying) I need to know if this electric thing between us is real, or if it’s just us being lonely and needing someone. I want to fill this empty whole inside me that is there because I save it for you.
He saw tears running down her cheeks as she said this. He could feel all the emotion and pain emanating from her. All these years, all this time they had waited and now he was here and she was still hurting. He reached over and laced his fingers with hers staring off into the garden. He lifted her hand and pressed his lips against them. He could feel her heart racing in her finger tips.
HE: I know all of this time has been hard, but I didn’t want to hurt you more if we failed. If I couldn’t be what you wanted. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you like that.
She could hear the sincerity in his voice, the love that he had. How he had denied it to himself to be with her to save her in case they didn’t work out. In her heart it sounded like the stupidest excuse ever.
SHE: I wouldn’t have cared if it wouldn’t have been how we imagined. All I wanted was to wake up and see your face every morning. To make love to you every night. Just to be with you.
She let go of his hand and stood up to pace. He could see the tears streaming down her face. He wished he knew how to fix this. He stood up and gathered her in his arms. She grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and held on as if she could no longer hold herself up and she cried. She cried like she had every night that her emotions got the best of her and she just couldn’t bear being without him. He held her the way he had wanted to every time he thought about her, missed her, loved her but was unable to do anything about it. He buried his hands in her hair and held her close. He felt her body shaking, he wanted so much to be with her. To make her pain go away. He just didn’t know how.
She pushed him away. While it felt like home to be in his arms, she wanted him to be with her. To find a way. She wiped the tears from her eyes.
SHE: I feel it still, that deep connection. It is still there. No matter how far I get from you or if we don’t talk for months I feel when you hurt, and I miss you so much that some days it just hurts and I wonder how I can even function. It just doesn’t seem to be the same way for you.
HE: Not the same for me?! I know why you say that. It is because of her. I know that it hurts you that I am with her. It isn’t like I planned it. I have always wanted to be with you. I still do. I think of you a thousand times a day. I have to put my phone down 10 times a day so I don’t call you or text you and tell you that I miss you and that I love you and that I hate all of this. I don’t know what to do. I can’t think of way that we can work. Even now. With you in Chicago and being single and me here. I’m with her now. Maybe I shouldn’t have come tonight.
And there it was. Once he said it he couldn’t take it back. He looked as if he wanted to but the damage was done already. Her face was a mirror of how he felt. Impotent at the situation, unable to be with her yet needing her so much that it physically hurt him to the core. And now he had hurt her with his words. The tears flowed down her face faster now. She turned and ran towards the hotel. He watched as she ran, not sure if he should go after her. Dammit all to hell. He couldn’t let her run off like this. Not when they hadn’t seen each other in so long, not when he loved her so much.
He sprinted towards to hotel hoping not to lose her in the crowd of people. He couldn’t lose her now. Not after he had her this close. Be damned the consequences he needed her and she needed him right now.
He searched for her in the crowd. He felt a panic at the thought of losing her again then he caught site of her red dress. He caught up with her just as she was about to enter the elevator. He grabbed her hand and she looked back at his face. He looked so young at this moment, almost the same as when she had met him. She looked so small and fragile, her tear stained face looking at his. He pulled her into the closest corner and leaned her against the wall. She looked as if she had no strength left at all.
HE: I am so sorry. I didn’t mean that. When I saw your note I knew I would come. Just knowing you were here. I need you so much, I just don’t know how to do all of this.
She looked into his eyes, then looked away. So much love and fear there. She still couldn’t talk to him. Not yet. She tried to hold her composure together. To not cry anymore.
HE: Let me at least take you to your room. See that you get there ok.
She handed him her room key and he laced his fingers in hers, guiding her to the elevator. When they arrived at her room he put the key in and took her inside. She was aching inside. So hurt, again. Why did she do this to herself? She always started the contact, gave him the choice to respond and it felt like in the end the one to end up hurt was her. How did he always seem to have it all together?
He looked at her sitting on the bed. So broken. He did this. Time and time again. He wasn’t going to do that again. This time he was going to listen to his heart, follow his love wherever it took him. He knelt beside the bed and took her hands in his.
HE: I know that I have messed this up for years. Things have never felt like good timing. Like something was always in the way of us being together. Before you were married, and now I am involved. I wish it seemed like everything wasn’t against us.
He laid his head on her lap. And she brushed the hair off of his forehead. She had him here with her and he still wasn’t hers. She needed to tell him to go. He was right, she shouldn’t have come home.
SHE: Just go. It’s ok. I will be fine now. I’m glad I got to see you, but I know you have her now and I have no place in your life. We talked about this time and time again. We haven’t been friends since you told me you loved me. We have held onto this all this time. Maybe now we can let it go.
She was crying again. Now it was her turn to try to be sensible. To tell him that it was okay that he was picking someone else. She pushed his hands aside and walked to the door.
SHE: You don’t have to worry about me. I promise I will go home in the morning. I won’t do this to you again. I will let it go.
He looked at her. So small, so sad. She was waning, she had come here with all of her heart and she laid it out and he had done the same thing. Spoke of things that were proper, and noble. But leaving her yet again with a broken heart that he caused. He wasn’t going to do it again.
He walked to the door and closed it. She looked surprised and she looked up into his face. He took her face in his hands. He had wanted to kiss this face a thousand times when he was a young man, but fear had gotten the better of him. He had wanted to tell her to come to him when it would have been hard to handle everything and their future would have been uncertain, but he didn’t because it wasn’t sensible, and people would have been hurt. Now he had her in his arms, he could leave and be noble, and sensible but he wouldn’t this time. He needed her too much and she needed him too.
HE: I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you.
He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. He leaned her body against the door and just waited. Waited to see if 16 years dimmed the need to feel this woman like she belonged to him. He felt her grip tighten on his shirt and she pressed back, he heard her sigh against his mouth and he leaned in testing lightly his tongue to her bottom lip, she parted her lips to him and he moaned against her mouth as he slowly kissed her, taking his time to taste every space. She responded in kind, sliding her hands up into his hair to pull him closer to her. She needed him and she would have whatever they were going to have at this moment. He felt the heat rising up inside of him, and he deepened the kiss. Needing to feel all of her pressed against him he pressed her closer to the door, enjoying the feeling of her body pressed tightly against his. Her response was quick and she raised herself on tiptoe to be able to kiss him deeper than before. No woman had ever kissed him like this. Like he belonged to her, and like she belonged to him.
She heard him say he loved her and that was all she needed, when he kissed her lips, everything that was hers, her mind, her heart, her body, it was all his. She couldn’t have stopped herself if she wanted to. He let go of her mouth and kissed each tear that had remained on her face. He looked into her eyes.
HE: Do you want me to go?
She shook her head.
It was all she could say. With one word, he picked her up and carried her to the bed. He would do this right. He wouldn’t make any more mistakes with her tonight. He would show her every bit of what he had felt for her for the last 16 years and it was going to take him a long time to show her all of it. He laid her on the bed and he towered over her. She wanted, no she needed to tell him.
SHE: I love you too.
It was all he needed. He recaptured her mouth with a fierceness that took them both by surprise and she would match it. His mouth pressed hers and then without waiting he thrust his tongue in, needing to taste her, to feel her lips pressed against his. She kissed him back wanting to taste him, to feel his mouth move against hers. He kissed her long moving his hands along her body and he did, feeling her respond to his every touch. He left her lips and kissed her throat biting and then kissing the spot he had nibbled. His tongue licked and tasted every spot on her neck he could get to and when he heard her moan and felt her nails against his skin he knew she wanted him. He would make her want him more before he would give in. She wrapped her legs around his to pull him closer so that she could press her hips against his. She could feel how much he wanted her, and she wanted to show him that she wanted him too. She moaned as he found the spot on her neck that could make her lose control. She threw her head back to allow him better access and he pressed his body into hers. Her hands rushed to the buttons on his shirt. She wanted to feel skin, his skin against hers. Once she had the buttons free she ran her hands up his chest. She could feel the heat of his skin under her finger tips, and her hands circled his body to rake her nails down his back. She wanted him to feel her need. Need, love, and passion that had only been meant for him.
Her nails raked across his back and it felt so good to feel her hands on him. He had never felt this much passion, this much heat and love all at once like this. He was having trouble controlling how much he needed her, needed to make love to her, be inside of her. Feel her move against him, feel the weight of her body on his.
She rolled him over and straddled his hips and she took control and captured his mouth. This time she was kissing him, delving her tongue deeper into his mouth, tasting, teasing. He moved his hands down and cupped her bottom pulling her tighter against him, wishing to get her as close to him as he could.
She left his lips and sat up. She pulled her dress up over her head, leaving her straddled above him in a lacey bra and very lacey panties. She tossed the dress on the floor and placed her hands on his chest. His hands slid from her bottom up her back and around to cup her full breasts. She leaned her head back and moaned as he caressed each one in turn. He sat up with her now sitting in his lap and he kissed her again, pulling her tightly against him. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close, her breasts rubbing against his bare chest. Never leaving her lips, He reached around and unsnapped the bra. Tossing it to the floor. She kissed him like she would never do it again, wanting him to know that she couldn’t get enough of his mouth, his taste, the feel of his lips kissing hers . She never wanted it to end. She needed more though, more of him, his skin on hers. She wanted to feel him inside of her. She wanted to feel all of him. She left his mouth and kissed his neck, tasting his hot skin, salty yet sweet. She teased his ear lobe and whispered her love for him in his ear while he caressed her bottom while he buried his face in her neck, biting that secret place that made her head arch back and that hot moan to escape from her lips. He laid her down on the bed again wanting to feel her under him, she unbuttoned his pants. He leaned up on his knees, pants unbuttoned. He leaned down and kissed each breast in turn pinning her hands to the bed, feeling her arch underneath him. He kissed and then licked each one, biting them then kissing them over again. He could feel her need, he let go of her arms, and slid off her panties. She was now naked before him. He looked at her, laying there under him, hot, needing him, wanting him. She was so beautiful. He would never forget how she looked right now.
HE: My God you are beautiful.
She blushed and he leaned down and kiss above her navel, then below. Inching his way down further and further. He slid his hands up her thighs and pushed them apart, there was one place he hadn’t tasted yet. He kissed her inner thigh and he felt her arch and heard her moan, he dipped a finger inside to find her hot and waiting for him, he felt his need for her skyrocket and he could barely contain the need to take what he wanted, but he needed this to be everything it could be. He leaned down and placed soft kisses everywhere, then licked her until she could hardly take much more. She pleaded with him. He left her then, tossed his pants and boxers aside and leaned over top of her, he entered her in one stroke and she arched to meet him. He leaned down and recaptured her mouth as she thrust against him matching his speed. He needed her so much. He darted his tongue in her mouth in and out, kissing and re-entering moaning as they both lost control. Her hands clawed at his shoulders for a grip to try to find an anchor. Faster and faster, they were racing to the edge of this cliff, control was gone. All that was left was raw emotion, and instinct. She hit the top just as he hit his and they clung to each other as the climax of their love making hit its peak. He collapsed on her then and she could feel his heartbeat and feel the sweat of his body covering her.
Neither of them had ever felt so connected to someone else. He pulled her into his arms, and covered them with the blanket that was now crumpled on the bed.
SHE: I never knew that love could feel like this.
HE: Me either.
She sighed and laid her head on his chest. He tightened his arms around her, keeping her as close as he could. She was right. He hadn’t known he could feel close to someone like this. This was nothing like anything he had ever done. And now he knew he could never leave her. She was finally his.
HE: I love you.
He brushed a kiss on her forehead. She leaned up and kissed his chin. She had waited so long to be with him. To feel his arms around her. To know for sure the answer to the question that she had asked herself over and over. Is he mine? And she finally had the answer. He was hers.
SHE: I love you too.
I Love You (Celine Dion) lyrics
I must be crazy now
Maybe I dream too much
But when I think of you
I long to feel your touch
To whisper in your ear
Words that are old as time
Words only you would hear
If only you were mine
I wish I could go back to the very first day I saw you
Should’ve made my move when you looked in my eyes
‘Cause by now I know that you’d feel the way that I do
And I’d whisper these words as you’d lie here by my side
I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time
So today, I finally find the courage deep inside
Just to walk right up to your door
But my body can’t move when I finally get to it
Just like a thousand times before
Then without a word he handed me this letter
Read I hope this finds the way into your heart, it said
I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time
Well maybe I, I need a little love yeah
And maybe I, I need a little care
And maybe I, maybe you, maybe you, maybe you
Oh you need somebody just to hold you
If you do, just reach out and I’ll be there
I love you, please say
You love me too
Please say you love me too
Till the end of time
These three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Oh, I love you
Please say you love me too
Say you love me too
Till the end of time
Together, together, forever
Till the end of time
I love you
I will be your light
Shining through your eyes
I Still Do – The Cranberries
I’m not ready for this,
Though I thought I would be.
I can’t see the future,
Though I thought I could see.
I don’t want to leave you,
Even though I have to.
I don’t want to love you.
Oh, I still do.
Need some time to find myself.
I wanna live within.
Can I go my own way?
Can I pray my own way?
I don’t want to leave you.
Oh, I need you.
Am I ready for this?
Did I think I would be?
Can I see the future?
No, I can’t see.
I don’t want to leave you,
Even though I have to.
I don’t want to love you.
Oh, I still do.
Ah, la la da da da.
Ah, I still do.
Ah, la la da da da.
Ah, I still do.